WE have been talking about relationships for the last month at The Water’s Edge. This week’s topic is how have tough conversations. The following are ten phrases that are going to make any conversation more difficult.
1. Don’t take this the wrong way…
Nothing good has ever followed this phase. Ever. It comes off as: “I’m going to criticize you. Don’t get mad at me, I’m just the messenger.” Offer loving, specific, constructive feedback instead.
2. I assume…
Assuming leads to assumptions and assumptions are often wrong. A better idea is to ask clarifying questions.
3. You never / You always…
This one is like fingernails slowly racing down a chalkboard. Only worse. It is rare somebody is always at fault or never does anything right. A better phrasing than “You never listen” is “I feel when I’m speaking that you aren’t always listening well. Can you help me with this?”
4. ASAP
Every time you use this phrase you are communicating that your priorities are more important than somebody else’s schedule. Instead, set reasonable expectations and deadlines both parties agree to.
5. Whatever.
Imagine mixing mustard and chocolate ice cream. The marriage of the words “what” and “ever” is the verbal equivalent. The one who says “whatever” ruins the possibility of meaningful communication. Although if “whatever” is a vocabulary option—that conversation wasn’t going too far anyway. Use better words.
6. As I said before…
You could just say something like: “If you would have paid attention when I was talking earlier then you would have saved me the effort of repeating myself.” Although that would be pretty toxic too.
7. You need to…
What you are really communicating is that you are more capable of determining somebody else’s priorities for them than they are for themselves. Don’t communicate that.
8. I’m sorry if…
The first two-thirds of the phrase is great. That last little word is a killer. “I’m sorry if I hurt you” has a much different that “I’m sorry I hurt you.” The latter is a genuine apology and the former acknowledges no ownership from the apologizer but instead puts the blame on the one who is hurt. Either apologize or don’t.
